I am absolutely refusing to get my turkey twizzled by the latest scaremongering being used to roast the great British public.
Covid is no longer the great bogeyman that it was once. A new horror is required to keep us from hiding behind our couches.
This time it’s a total lack of meat to munch (sometimes called being married for a long time but that’s another story).
Covid cancelled Christmas 2020, and now it’s a lack of gas that’s playing Scrooge.
Or, CO2, which we use for everything from amazing animals to be slaughtered to fizzy beverages.
It’s caused by a perfect storm of high demand in the Asian markets, sky-rocketing prices, the disruption caused by the pandemic and a broken French supply pipe.
Now, I’m not denying there’s a problem, but can they just all burger off with the constant terrorising again? Nobody in this country will be starving this winter. There will be plenty of shelves. Santa will still be around to fill your bag. If in doubt, Rudolph can be slung in the oven with some sprouts.
Can you imagine what it would have looked like if doom-laden messages had been sent during the war? We’d have all been speaking German, wearing lederhosen and embracing sauerkraut before 1939 was out.
And yes, I appreciate this very fine organ is also reporting the story, but at least we’re doing it with a bit of Daily Star (ox) cheek. To listen to some of the usual suspects, it’s farmageddon before we even get to Bonfire Night.
There’s no point in worrying or panicking as there’s little most of us can do. The most useless thing humans can do is worry about things. It can cause headaches at best, and mental health problems at worst.
My glass was always half full and will remain so. Unless it’s Baileys, in which case the husband can have that glass full stop.
Plus us Brits are made of sterner stuff than we’re given credit for, aren’t we? We are resilient to whatever life throws at them.
Hell, if we can get through 18 months of the Brothers Grim Whitty & Valance preaching brimstone and hellfire, Professor Pants Down Ferguson’s “modelling” and Bozo’s blathering, we can live without pigs in blankets. At least this year it sounds like we’ll be able to hug our grannies without killing them.
And the PM is trying to put a brave face on this one. It does still look like a slapped bottom, but you can’t have everything.
And it would be churlish of me to question whether our obsession with mostly useless wind farms and “green” energies hadn’t contributed to the crisis. At least Carrie, a dolphin-hugging sailor, is happy. And you can bet your recyclable crackers that she’ll still get a good stuffing this Christmas.
Please allow me to be the first to wish all Daily Star readers a happy holiday season filled with love, joy, laughter, and family.
And those of us who’d rather see us cow(er)ed in a nightmare before Christmas can mostly make like another source of energy we seem to be ignoring.
Don’t forget to snooze.